| i'm waiting for the shoe to drop |
[Jan. 20th, 2007|12:08 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | apartment | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the whirr of my computer | ] |
I think, if there's anything i've realized, is that i don't like relationships. i prefer friendships any day. with relationships its like you have to pretend to like everything about a person, when in fact they tend to get on your nerves.
i'm in such a situation.
the person was really fun at first, hilarious and fun loving, also terribly nice to a fault.
but i'm tired of him already. i can't help but feel the blush of embarrassment when he's mock drumming all the time. i imagine showing him to certain friends, and having to defend myself and my tastes. its cruel to say, i know, but its even crueler to feel as i feel, knowing i leading him on, and not knowing how to say enough of this, i'm completely and totally uninterested in any form of relationship other than friendship.
i see this now. thats why i dont have them long, its because i truly dislike them. is it a sign of coldhearted ness? maybe, but maybe i just dont desire intimacy now. i was simplicicty, sometimes i want nothing more than my art and my art classes, with a few drinks and movies thrown in with friends.
i'm so blessed with friends from home that dont need to see me or talk to me on the phone in order to know i miss them, or that we're still close friends. the moment we see each other, its as if we only saw each other yesterday. i've been spoiled by this wonderful ideal of how friends should be, and now that relationships have come into my life, people wanting more than i'm used to giving to anyone, its not something i'm enjoying. maybe i'm being selfish,but maybe i just dont want to prioritize anything above my education right now. its why i'm here, and i refuse to let anything get in the way of making the most of my time here.
i'm leaving to move to Europe after i graduate whether i'm with someone or not. its as simple as that. i know that if i let myself be weighed down by engagements, i'll never leave, and i dont want to miss my only chance to get out and see the world before i'm stuck in one place for good.
i'm a restless soul, never living in a town, a house, a school for more than five years. i've always moved, gotten new friends, tried new things and moved on from the past. i can't imagine staying here longer than that. i would feel trapped, a caged animal. i need to be free and untethered, if i'm to truly excell in my chosen calling. and if that means that i make no serious attatchments or relationships, then so be it. i prefer it that way. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 6th, 2007|01:27 pm] |
I am so ready to go back to school...I don't know how i'm going to pay for my suppies, but i guess i'll do it somehow.
being here just makes me feel lazy and lethargic, and normally i'm all restless. example, i've been meaning to call Cami all week. I'm not even leaving till wednesday, and i'm running out of things to do at home. I've been sitting in, enjoying sleeping in, reading, something i haven't had much time for in awhile, eating, chillin' with my sisters, doing a little shopping, watching movies, trying to re-download stuff i lost onto my new laptop. but most days, i sigh and wish i was at home, walking down college, buying my books, drinking coffee and talking to my friends from school. I need to get a job, aply to be an RA next year, and hope that things will turn out okay.
my grandmother went into the hospital about a week before christmas for severe depression. she came out a few days ago, and is staying with her friend Sara for awhile, but she's still a mess.
you can really tell that something went wrong in her head, because she's asking me on the phone about my friend Sandra. She was my best friend in the second grade. I haven't seen her since the eighth grade. She seems to think somehow, that we're all little kids still, and it kind of scares me.
the wrorst of it is that she had been helping me out with my rent, and now that she's not all there, my father's been helping me, but i worry now that my money's gonna be a whole lot tigher than last semester.
i guess i need to get a job, if i want to be able to pay for supplies and food.
whatev. i guess i'll deal.
at least my birthday's comin' up ^_^ a few weeks left |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2006|11:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I got my laptop stolen
my father's house got broken into, and get this: they took about a full armload of booze, like tequila, beer and wine, and my laptop. NOTHING ELSE.
they ignored an entire wine cooler, two ipods, two laptops in the same room that mine was in, went inside my father's room, ignored about four laptops and two desktop computers, looked under the bed, supposedly for firearms, according to the policemen, and then left through the front door. they rifled through some keys and possibly took some, so we're having out locks changed tomorrow, and i'm getting a new laptop. I'm probably not going to be able to get the same one, since it was quite expensive, but i need a functional computer.
sigh.
i'm just not having the best of luck, considering people like to steal my things.
what makes things worse, my cat had a stroke and we had to put him to sleep.
AND my grandmother's in the hospital for severe depression.
things like this just make me so tired.... |
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| whats with greenpeace and art history? |
[Dec. 16th, 2006|11:29 pm] |
On the twelfth day of Christmas,  stareeyed sent to me... Twelve stripes partying Eleven tattoos singing Ten ceramics a-dancing Nine books acting Eight whales a-painting Seven cats a-reading Six orchids a-daydreaming Five gre-e-e-een eyes Four willow trees Three moonlit nights Two scissor sisters ...and a greenpeace in an art history. |
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| Please disregard this message if you don't want to hear me rant about love |
[Dec. 16th, 2006|10:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
You know, sometimes in life you are thrown a curve ball. A close friend's love life comes crashing down, and you are there to pick up the pieces. You feel as though love isn't all its cracked up to be, that it just doesnt happen anymore. You lose all trust in people, and this insane holiday called christmas never made single people very happy because its supposed to be about family, and when that family is fighting, breathing down your neck about something or other, you just lose all feeling of hope in this generation.
But sometimes, it only takes a silly, ridiculously corny film to bring it back again.
And it makes you realize that christmas is not about our families bickering about somthing, or about the christmas lights that we spend hours each year, standing on some ricketty ladder putting up for no apparent reason, its about love.
and love can be found, its just that life gets us, it makes us jaded, and afraid of losing ourselves.
I know that I've spent the last five years of life walling myself in from people, afraid of closeness and intimacy. My parents divorce made me lose all trust in " i love you" and the idea of love that lasts forever. Any californian will understand this, and any product of a divorce will know that it makes you hurt in places you didn't even know you had. We feel as though love doesnt exist, and that we need to focus on other things in order to get through life, putting it aside like a winter coat, waiting for the snow to fall.
But many winters pass, and the coat stays hanging in the closet. I was always afraid of getting to know people. I feared that once people knew the real me, the real real me that is scared all of the time, that is ridiculous and silly and has a soft spot for cheesy movies and dash away before I get a chance to say goodbye. I never ever put relationships first, or even second, and no wonder nothing ever worked out. I've been saving that winter coat for years, and Its time to break it out of the mothballs.
I want to be open to love, to real friendships, real relationships, finally be the person I'm supposed to be, because I still want things. I still want to find that love that lasts forever. I want to be with someone I can't wait to see every day, who knows all my ridiculous quirks and isnt running away from me. My father did that to us, and I built a tough shell around my heart so that that never happened again. But if breaking out of my shell, leaving my heart open and vulnerable in a way that i never let myself be before, for the sake of love, then so be it.
I'm just so tired of being scared and alone all the time. And I *know* this 'revelation' is coming from my seeing of a film so sappy it made me cry, but it made me think, and i think it was good for me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2006|04:22 pm] |
So many days, so many nights my life does not make sense. last night I spent having sushi with my sister brittany and like fifteen of her little friends. The food was great of course, my mother was just so happy to see me, and near the end of the night, we made this concoction of a drink with a glass of dr peper that someone had accidentally dropped an eel roll into, and then we added the lemon from our water glasses and lots of other weird things. It actually wasnt that gross, but it wasnt good. The second glass of it however, after everyone tried the first drink, just looked and smelled like vomit. But we went home and while my sister and my father went swing dancing at Madonna inn, mom went to sleep and I watched Bride and Prejudice.
This morning, my mother woke me up and told me to get dressed for church. I peeled myself out of bed, put on clothes and went to GRACE CHURCH. I hate it there.... so much... but my father of all people went with us, because brittany wanted him to come. my father hasnt been to grace church since he knew my mother in college. its been like twenty years, crazy...but so colege group wasnt until third service, and I didn;t want to go to big church by myself, so i went with my father and mother to the bible study group she's in. The study was on deutoromy and on some verse about sexual morality. pffft. Okay, the story was about a guy who didn't like his wife( Product of arranged marriage) and he accused his wife of not being a virgin when they married. Apparently, there's this cloth that was supposed to go under the couple the night they married, and the blood on it was supposed to prove her virginity. So this guy acussed her of not being a virgin. If he's found to be a liar, then he gets fined a lot of money and he has to continue living with his wife and cannot divorce her. But if the girl does not turn out to be a virgin( By this oh-so-failible method of the cloth) she will be stoned.
jesus. Why do the women get stoned, but the guys just get fined?
this is why I hate church and am not religious whatsoever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2006|04:40 pm] |
I'm coming home to SLO for brittany's 16th birthday. I cannot believe that she is gonna be sixteen. How is that posible?
Anyways, Dad's home from Shanghai for her birthday, and as happy as I am that he is doing this for her sixteenth, a soft voice in my head says to me, " he didn't come back for your sixteenth'. But then I slap that voice and tell it to shut up.
I love my dad, and while it's taken years, he's finally realized what he's missed, and is trying to make it up and be involved in our lives before we're all in the far reaches of the world. I mean, I'm planning to move to europe after graduation, Courteney wil end up in Japan, how I don;t know, but she will, come hell or high water, and Brittany could go anywhere at this point, so now that his youngest is sixteen, I guess it's a final wake up call.
HELLOOO DONT FORGET THAT YOU HAVE CHILDREN WHO WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A FATHER, AS OPPPOSED TO UNCLE DAD!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2006|11:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy goofy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | nuthin | ] |
Guess who had a date tonight? ME thats who. I was in class, and I got a call from a guy I had a vague crush on, but since I hadn't heard from him in a while, I sort of brushed it off and was like, 'okay, whatever, he's not interested.' but out of the blue, he called, and we went to dinner at this fabulous mexican restaurant in Alameda called La Pinata 3. ( there are apparently five of them scattered across the east bay.) We drove up to the berkeley hills, and looked out across the entire bay. Because of the burst of rain the other day, all the smog has cleared up, and the view was breathtaking. He wasn't very impressed with it, as I was blown away by its beauty, but he's lived here his whole life, so naturally, it wasn't as mindblowing for him. And then we went to Gaylord's cafe for white hot chocolates.
All the night, we didn't stop talking about stuff. It was really great to be talking with someone without any awkward silences in the conversation. Plus he's very interesting, with a very musical backround, in like two or three different bands and into avant garde sound work. Cool, huh?
I called it a date, because I guess, the idea of a date has sort of gone out the window, since people don't really date, they 'go out' and hang out, really. but if thats the definition, it was kind of a date i guess. either way, even if it was simply a friendly hangout, I had fun, and would not be dissapointed to find that it was only that, if we remained good friends.
either way, i'm pretty pleased. |
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| Art |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|11:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sweet religion; Imogen heap | ] |
Today I had a crit in my abstract drawing class. I swear to god I think i was the only one in the class that didn't get a lot of positive criticism. It was really depressing, especially since I hated what i showed. I woke up this morning to chose what work to show for the crit, and I realized that I hated all of it. All of it. I hated the direction it had taken, and I was bored by my own art. bored to tears, and all I could feel was dislike and disgust at the simplicity that was not elegant, or interesting or unique. I don't want my work to be boring, I want my art to invoke strong emotions, to invoke something from the viewer, either strong dislike or love of the work. And I didn't see it. I used to be all about color and expression, and the work I had been working on for the past few weeks incorporated grids, squares, rectangles and color relationships. Aside from the color, it didn't even look like me. The compositions were very simple, acrylic on paper, two things I never used to use, I used to just work with oil and canvas, but I feel that because of this class, my work has wandered so far from what it originally was, I've lost sight of it. and I want and need to get back there, but bring in the new knowledge and ideas I've attained from this tangent. My goal I guess is to find my niche, my key, the thing that sets my art apart from everyone else. When critiquing art, most often, you are compared to other artists work, and often, when I look at my art, i feel as if I don't own it, it doesn't belong to me. It's been done, there are fifty artists who've done this, who've used this, and its not unique anymore. I want to find what makes my art me, what makes it so that I own it, and it exudes something unlike joan mitchell, or olga Rozanova or Eva Hesse. I want art that says " shelley carr."
Augh. Whoever says art is easy clearly has never made real art before. |
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| hmm |
[Nov. 11th, 2006|07:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | berkeley | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the bound stems | ] |
Last night I went to show where a friend's band was playing. I enjoy the band's music a lot, its very playful and fun, but the night was definitely hindered by the asian guy who spent the entire night trying to get into my pants. He tried to kiss me at one point, and I had to use my hands and push his face away.
Ugh. It always seems to be some over-thirty guy who is entranced by the young redhead artist. Last night was no exception. After we left finally, we decided in the car ride home that we needed to come up with a signal, that if I or anyone else needed an excuse, like pull on your ear and it means ' hurry over here and pretend to be my significant other.' Tierney offered to pretend to be my girlfriend, in hopes that if i told them I was gay they might back off. nights like last night just destroy hope in the male sex for a while. Thankfully, not all men are scumbags, as shown by my dear friends, but there are times I am disgusted by older men. Particularly older men. Like now that i'm a few months from being twenty, everyone over thirty is instantly attracted to me. Its not something I really expected to have to deal with, but I guess I can't escape it if I continue to prowl the singles social scene. Its not like I meet people on myspace, or go on blind dates, but because I don't have someone, I guess I'm an easy target or something. Its nights like these I'm both glad I'm single, and unhappy that I still have to deal with this shit.
I saw shortbus the movie this afternoon. Fabulous film, rated R for the exorbitant amounts of nudity and sex, but it is expected in a film about a female sex therapist who has never had an orgasm. I left the theater with hope for the human race, and I encourage the film to anyone.
I had registration for next term's classes thursday. OMFG.... 18 units with a fashion, textiles and drawing class, in addition to a cultural history and a visual studies course, plus the individualized critique class.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
whatever. |
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stareeyed's journal
nervous